One question I absolutely want you to ask yourself is this:

Is Faster Better?

Carl Honore, author of the international bestseller In Praise of SLOW; How a Worldwide movement is Challenging the Cult of Speed ascertains,

“If we are ever going to slow down, we must understand why we accelerated in the first place.”

Historically speaking, each new wave revolution of technology has come with one promise:  this will make your work faster, so you can have more time off. From past presidents to TV commercials, speed offers the payoff of more pleasure and increased leisure time.  But, for most of us, the addiction to speed has not paid off. Instead of achieving more pleasure, we are simply feeling more pressure.  We feel pressure to produce, to keep up, to achieve at a super-human rate, and regardless of the latest trends in technology, we are not seeing the payoff.

Life In The Fast Lane

In fact, Americans are working harder than ever.  In recent surveys, the average Western Worker has dramatically increased their hours over the last thirty years.

The double edged sword of technology is this: while new technology is becoming faster and more affordable, we are becoming more accessible, and the ability to work all hours of the day is increasingly easier.  Where most folks used to go and clock in and out of the office, now we are carrying the office around with us in our PDA’s and laptops.  Scarily, the line between work time and play time is fading fast.

Fast as a Lifestyle Choice

When we move at record breaking speeds, someone else is always in our way.  People become an irritating nuisance and are simply just slowing us down.  Busy people are always preoccupied with “What’s Next” and rarely have time to sit and focus, or have a relaxed conversation.  They might be there in person, but they are forever checking off their mental To Do list in their head and fidgeting with their PDA or cell phone.  As I was reading Honore’s book on becoming slow, two profound phrases popped into my head:

1. Fast people aren’t happy.
2. Busy people are tired.

With priding ourselves on getting everything done at warp speed, and busying ourselves from a.m. to p.m., we have become a society of unhappy and tired people.  Oh. My. God.  This brings me back to Honore’s original question… Why the accelerated pace, in the first place?

Quality of Life

The original idea, in and of itself, makes sense.  If we speed up processes (products, goods, technology, convenience items), we will have more time to ultimately improve our quality of life and have more time to enjoy them.  But here’s where we went Horribly Wrong:  We didn’t just speed up the processes, we sped up our WHOLE  LIVES. And, with anything, when a process is accelerated, the quality drops.  Not convinced?  Here are some examples to get your thinker thinking:

Food: processed food might be fast, but it is pumped full of salt, fat, and sugar to give it any flavor at all.  In essence, the sacrifice is less nutrition, and more calories, which lead to health issues and an early grave.

Sleep: Nowadays, people are getting less sleep.  With continued stress to perform more, and increased anxiety about work and deadlines, many people actually Cannot Sleep.  Insomnia issues are clearly related to stress, and the less we get, the more burnt out we will actually become.

Sex: Sorry folks, but if any of us are being realistic, a quickie doesn’t cut it.  Many relationships are failing simply because there is not enough time or energy left in the day to be intimate, or get it on.  Viagra?  Need I say more?

Safety: Yes, everything is moving faster, with that, more fatalities are happening.  When we don’t pay attention to what we are doing, we have accidents.

Vacations: If people are even taking them (most aren’t) it is the “let’s cram everything we can see in one or two weeks overseas”.  This leads to what I would like to call Museum-ittus.  You become a walking tour zombie, haunted by images of paintings in the night, and loathing the next ticket line or form of public transport.  Don’t even get me started on cobblestone and strollers.

Relationships: A fast and furious rush through the milestones of life isn’t what I call romantic.  And navigating through stranger’s photos or getting “Hello Sexy” IM’s on facebook is creepy.  What ever happened to good old fashioned romance?

Personal Development: We want overnight enlightenment, and will pay buckets to get it.  The bestselling books aren’t the ones that walk us through slowly, they are the “Tell me how to do everything quickly NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!”  And, yes, they sell–but, no, they don’t work; because change is a slow and deliberate process.

The Slow Movement

We are not stupid.  We are starting to realize that this way of life isn’t cutting it.  This Mayhem Madness is not the Path to Enlightenment, and surely isn’t making us happy at the end of the day.  For this reason, many people are simply opting out. They are not putting on tie-dyed shirts and starting communes, and they are not sluggishly lying about in a fantasy world; they are simply redefining what is important to them, taking the time to slow down, and doing more of it.  My philosophy, exactly.

This book was a real eye-opener for me.  Not just finding out that people are sick of the game, but realizing that there is an Actual Movement of people that have sprung up all over the world that are collectively making a difference in their area of choice.  I’ll be sharing some of those links below for you to check out, but my main takeaway from the book is this:

The  idea of Time Management is not to go faster so you can cram more stuff in your day.  It is to be smart about your processes so you can increase the time you spend in meaningful activities, thereby improving the overall quality of your life.

Slow Resources:

More info on Slow:  The Slow Movement wiki-style

I loved this one, “The International Institute of Not Doing Much“

A gizillion Slow Resource Links from SlowPlanet.com:

http://www.slowplanet.com/blog/slow-links/

and, click here to buy In Praise of Slow.  It’s about $1.50 for a used copy and WELL worth your while.

Questions??  Comments??  What could you do more slowly?

As always, bringing you inspiring stories of adventurous folks that have dared to do different.  Many of you may have wondered if you could take your business online and do good for others.  Kirsty’s living the dream of helping others while her business pretty much runs itself.  Check out her story, and amazing resources below.

When you first thought about volunteering, what were your initial hesitations?

I had looked into volunteering long before I ever did it and the main thing stopping me at that time was the cost. Everything I found online seemed to cost loads of money which put me off of the idea completely. Once I found Hands On Disaster Response (http://www.hodr.org) (a free-to-volunteer NGO) and committed to volunteering with them in Bangladesh, I remember my main concern was whether the other volunteers would all be do-gooder types. It seems strange but my only real concern was being stuck in Bangladesh with a bunch of people who were no fun!

How did that change after experiencing it first-hand?

As it turns out, most of the people I’ve met through volunteering have been just a little crazy and a blast to be around. The people I’ve met have been some of the hardest working, most talented, intelligent and creative people I’ve known. They come from all over the world, have a wide array of backgrounds and skills, and have ranged in age from 18 to 78. The thing everyone has in common is a passion for what they’re doing and it makes getting along with everyone very easy. Some of the strongest friendships I have now have come through volunteering.

What unique experiences have you had volunteering that you otherwise wouldn’t have had just traveling?

I’ve been invited into many people’s homes in places way off the tourist trail in Bangladesh, Indonesia, and Haiti and met and mingled with locals on a level that I’m not sure a tourist passing through could. I’ve been taken to a vodou ceremony with a Haitian friend of mine, stood on the sidelines at a football match in Haiti, been invited to weddings and funerals, had countless locals bring me snacks, tea and full meals on our breaks, and been welcomed into their communities with ceremonies and parties.

I’m sure any traveler who puts in an effort could encounter experiences like these but those travellers are rare these days with most opting to stick to the usual backpacker trail. Volunteering makes it easy to have these sort of experiences almost every day.

As a volunteer you’re also doing good work and seeing a local person thanking you for your help with tears in their eyes isn’t something you’re likely to see as a traveler.

How do you cover your expenses during your time volunteering abroad (flights, accommodation, food, travel)?

Most of the longer-term volunteering I’ve done has been with HODR who cover food and accommodation costs. HODR do disaster relief work which makes predicting their next destination impossible. I’ve been following them around for four projects from Bangladesh to Haiti, from Haiti to Indonesia and then back to Haiti after the recent earthquake. The airfares are my biggest expense but, once I get to the project, I don’t spend much at all.

I cover the cost of my flights and other expenses with money I earn online. I run a bunch of websites and get money from advertising, paid clicks and affiliate sales. When I’m volunteering and not spending much money I’m able to build my bank account back up before draining it again on another flight!

What types of projects have worked on?

I’ve done all sorts of things from teaching english to building schools to running wheelbarrows. The type of work we do depends on the type of disaster. In Bangladesh we built houses and playgrounds after a cyclone. In Haiti the first time the bulk of the work was shoveling mud out of people’s homes after four hurricanes struck at once, filling the city of Gonaives with mud. In Indonesia and Haiti this time, we cleared destroyed houses from people’s foundations so they could have their space back to put a shelter.

I’ve also painted a school, built wells, learned how to work with concrete, helped frame houses, taken photos, helped set up HODR with affiliate programs, put tin onto a roof, installed wooden signboards, and on and on. The work is generally really physical day in, day out but there are usually other things to get up to besides shoveling and wheelbarrowing and the things I’ve done only touch on the many possibilities.

How has volunteering helped you?

I’ve gotten so much out of my time as a volunteer that it sometimes feels like I get more than I can give. I’ve learned new skills, met people from all over the world, been able to practice new languages, gotten fit, had my mind opened through amazing conversations and, I hope, become a more well-rounded person in the process.

How have you made money online while traveling abroad?

I started a travel website (http://www.travoholic.com) way back in 2001 when few people were making money online. I worked at it on and off as a hobby for years and in 2005 I discovered Google Adsense (basically ads that I can put on my site that pay a certain amount per click). I realized then the potential for earning online and started a few more sites. I’ve currently got around 10 websites that make money through Adsense, affiliate sales (selling travel insurance, car rentals etc.) or through advertising.

The business pretty much runs itself which leave me with a lot of time to fill with traveling or doing volunteer work. I try to work on the road but the reality is that it’s pretty tough with dodgy net connections and a lot of distractions. When I’m in the mood to get a good amount of work done, I will stop in a city I like, rent an apartment, and work hard for a while. When I want to volunteer or travel, I will do that and spend only a small amount of time maintaining my sites.

If people are interested in volunteering abroad, what resources would you recommend?

Funny you should ask! I wrote an ebook called ‘The Underground Guide to International Volunteering’ that can be downloaded from my website (http://www.nerdynomad.com/volunteering). It’s a guide for people who want to volunteer but aren’t sure how to go about it. I talk about whether or not volunteering is for you, who would make a good volunteer, paying to volunteer, how to find free and cheap volunteering opportunities, give some practical advice and I also have a list of volunteering opportunities that have been tried and tested.

The ebook costs $14 with $7 of every sale being donated to HODR, a cause that is obviously very close to me and one I believe in a lot. If you’ve been thinking about volunteering and aren’t sure where to start, this ebook will help you.

((Author’s note:  I’ve had the pleasure of reading this eBook and would Highly Recommend it.  It is full of great information, links, and inspiring photos.  Click on the photo to see more.))

Got Questions for Kirsty?  Ask them in the comments section!!  Had a cool volunteering experience?  Share it Below.

IF

by

Rudyard Kipling

1865 – 1936

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make your dreams your master;

If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings–nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And–Which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

I am told encouragingly by the instructor to contort my body into some unnatural shape and I’m craning my neck to see what the hell she’s doing  because I don’t know the pose by name like all the other people.  I look and think, “How the hell is she doing THAT!?!”

Then I try to put my body like hers and I look down and have to stop myself from laughing because my attempt looks Nothing Like Hers.  Then, I try to refocus and I hear her say something like, “Now, hold that pose.  Go deeper into it.  Notice your breathing.”

Meanwhile, I’m precariously balanced on one foot that is shaking.  My calf muscle is twitching, and my arm that is nervously flailing around in the air and I grimace to myself, “How can I fucking concentrate on my breathing, I’m going to FALL OVER!”

The perfectly balanced people must be looking at me with compassion for the Noob (which I hate), but the thing that I like the least is that all of the poses HURT.  Like, REALLY Hurt.  I know that it is a workout, but still, it BUUURNS.  And then you have to stay stuck that way forever.  I hate it.

Before I left California (still willing myself to like yoga) I decided to try HOT Yoga.  I walked up to meet my friend who swears by yoga and I looked menacingly at the words on the glass, ‘H O T’ painted all fire and wondered WTF I was doing there.  Don’t I hate Yoga?

I went into class, or rather, the pit of Fire and Doom, and immediately started gasping for air.  It felt like inhaling fire.  So there I am inhaling fire and hating my life, holding another shaky pose with the holier-than- thou instructor looking perfectly muscular, balanced and skinny rattling off unnecessary phrases like, “Ok good, now go Deeper into the stretch.  Doesn’t that feel GOOOD?”

I’m convinced she’s mocking me by her invincible flexibility.  “What is she made of, bendy rubber?” I’m seriously sliding in my own sweat and thinking I want to kill my friend for making me go to bendy hot hell.

After class, my friend looked at me with excitement, hoping she’d converted me over to the Yoga Lover’s Club and asked me,

“How did you like it?”

“I HATED IT,” I answered, immediately feeling guilty from the look of disappointment on her face.  I’ve seen that from other Yoga converts before, so I tried to brush it off.

“Sorry,” I pleaded.  “It’s just not my thing.  Let’s go eat.  I’m starving.”

During dinner, she had me convinced that Yoga has changed her life and how good it feels and that it is just the first part that hurts.  And then you get all perfect and bendy just like everybody else in the class.  She was so Happy when she talked about it, I wished I could be that way about it.

“Just come to one more class, OK?”

“Alright,” I said reluctantly, immediately wishing I hadn’t.  I HATE YOGA!  What was I even thinking?!?!

It took me forever to make it to that second class, but it hung over me like a guilty cloud.  Why on earth had I agreed to go to sweaty bendy hell instead of just agreeing to meet for a meal or something sensible?

Here is how that class went:  Horrible. Every toxin in my whole body must’ve decided to come out that day, all at once because I was like a shaking drug addict or something.  I couldn’t get it together.  Even the easy poses were fucking nightmares and as I failed around dripping sweat and glanced at the other freaks that loved this, I hated them all.  *Especially* the eighty year old man that decided to wear Speedos and showed all his furry bits to me.

The instructor was nice enough to remember my name, and even this turned out to be bad.  She kept saying things to me like,

“Ok, Brooke, can you go a bit deeper into that pose?”

The answer was always NO. But I could at least keep it in my head.  Maybe it was the heat, though because at the second time she asked me, it became slightly audible.

And then, every time after she asked (which seemed to be every frickin’ pose) I started saying it for real until finally it was loud, “NOOOOOOOOO!”

Everyone turned to look.  She finally stopped asking me.

I walked out of there a shaky, sweaty, miserable mess wishing to god that I could keep my inside voice to myself.

I’ve never done Yoga since.  And I still hate it.

This sent me on a questioning journey and I’ve realized some interesting cultural things.  First of all, us westerners are obsessed “figuring it all out”.  Until I changed cultures, I thought this was normal.  But having lived abroad for almost a year and a half, I’m learning that it is just western cultures that stress themselves out about this.  For some reason, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to try to figure our whole life out and the question I’m posing here today is this…

WHY?

Why do we have the need to Figure It All Out?

Is it making us HAPPY?  Is it making us RELAXED? Is it making us REAL? 

After spending much time questioning this in my own head and my own life, I have realized that the answer is:  NO!!

The pressure to have our “act together” is making us Unhappy, Stressed-Out, and Fake.  But, here is the problem…. Everybody’s doing it!!  This blog is just a little wake-up call for us to be a little more honest with each other, and a little more honest with ourselves.

The Biggest Secret in the World

OK, brace yourself!  I’m going to let you in on the biggest secret in the world.  But first, some dramatic build up…

Most of us feel the need to self-promote, showcase our abilities, and act as if we have got everything all figured out.  Looking back, I think this was the most stressful part of being an American.  Almost everyone there was portraying an image that they had their shit together, and knew what they were doing.  When I started my consulting practice, I was TERRIFIED that I would not know all of the answers, be able to help people properly, or that I would make mistakes.

It wasn’t until I started consulting with people that I realized The Biggest Secret In The World.  Each business owner would reluctantly tell me after some amount of time, and almost in a whisper of desperation,

“I have absolutely NO Idea what I’m doing!”

And after working in the field of transformational change for three years now, I can honestly answer the same way I always have,

“It’s OK, nobody does.”

Nobody.  It’s True!  So relax, because…

Nobody Has it “All Figured Out”

I think much of the problem and stress that comes from our “Civilized Society” stems from people pretending to have it all figured out.  After all, if everyone around you is playing the “I have it all figured out” game, you naturally assume that you need to do the same. 

The fantasy becomes a reality when suddenly we actually believe that everyone has their life sorted, and we become anxious, nervous, and depressed trying to play catch up and figure it out too.  This obsession spirals out of control by then mixing our own personal identity with societies’ goals and eventually we realize we can’t do it all.

All we can do is to help people with what we do know, and figure out the rest as we go along.

Not that we can’t have our own personal dream…. In fact, it is just the opposite.  We cannot realize our own personal dream if we are trying to look perfect by everyone else’s standards.  We can only find our true self, and our true happiness once we abandon the idea of looking perfect, or acting like we have it all figured out.

Just Figure Out Yourself

Once we understand this, and stop playing by everyone else’s rules, we can begin to focus on our own individual needs and dreams.  We can focus on what we want specifically from life, and what skills and gifts we want to bring to the party.  The game changes as we realize that other people’s opinions matter less and less, and we begin to put our own happiness at the forefront of our lives.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t have it all figured out!!  My wants, needs, and desires have changed over the years, but what I can say is that I have sorted out how to align my life with the lifestyle of my dreams.  When my wants or needs change, I adapt my plan and behaviors.  I’ve accepted that this is going to be an ongoing process, and that I will never be done, finished, or perfect.  The best that I can hope for at any given moment is to be real.

Comments?  Questions?  Are you stressing yourself out by trying to look perfect or figure everything out??

Resenting work

One major personal realization I’ve made lately is around my attitude of work.  My whole life, I’ve repelled the idea of work.  This started at an early age for me.  Growing up with a father as a business owner, I was working full time at age 14.  This was during he summers while everyone else was sitting at the pool talking about boys.  I worked to support myself through high school, and worked and did sports teams in college. 

It seemed like there was always work to be done, and never any time for me! While my dad had all kinds of reasons why this was a good thing for me, I resented it.

I’m sure it was valuable experience, and did get me further, faster, but it also left me feeling quite strange.  Why were all these other kids getting to enjoy life, and have time off, and I was having to work so hard (as a child) to just live???

Looking at it now, I think this left me feeling unloved and like something was wrong with me.  Winning approval from my father was like trying to impress a statue.  No matter what I did or how hard I tried, there was no reaction.  Somehow, in the end, I lumped all of these feelings of inadequacy into  a pretty unhealthy attitude about having to take care of myself.  I had to take care of myself, because nobody else would.

Resenting gender roles

Gender roles can become a confusing issue when taking care of ourselves.  In many families, it is modeled that the male is more of the dominant provider while the woman tends to be more domestic and takes care of the family.  Seeing this modeling growing up, I pretty much expected that at some point there would be a man in my life that would earn more than me and take care of things. (And I, in turn, would take care of him, the house, and domestics.)

I have always resented being a female. I don’t want the traditional life of husband, house, children, but on the flip-side, it seems so difficult to break into the work-world and be taken seriously by men. It seems like males always get the break, the better jobs, and the better salaries.

Even in business, I feel I’ve had to prove myself twice as hard because I am a female.  I would think I’d be going to meet with a new client, and they just wanted to date me. Oftentimes I’ve been cast off as “just a girl” and once was asked by a former boss “Can’t you just sit there and look pretty?!?”

Resisting authority

Ever since I started teaching in Thailand, I’ve had to face massive negative thoughts and resistance.  From my alarm clock, to my boss, to my thoughts in my head, I was pretty much cursing the world until about noon each day. This went on for about the first three months.  Then, from a series of trying to just work through it and stop resisting, I was able to let it go and move past it.  It was surprising and shocking for me to realize that I could be in such a peaceful place for the past five years (not having to deal with an alarm or boss), but the second I put myself in a position of a subordinate, I was completely freaking out!

I think I’ve never really had a “real job” with regular hours or bosses or expectations because it hit all my buttons from working as a kid.

Once something “went wrong” or someone pissed me off, I would quit.  And then it was over. I think because I liked the ‘re-creating my life’ part, I saw the next thing as a new adventure, but still never really landed on anything till I started my business.  It has been a struggle, to say the least, to get it going and running from abroad…  and I am trying to make decisions that will help me stay on here longer.  Teaching is a great way to get a work permit and earn some extra money while I build my business up over the next year.  But it has helped me to realize the importance of accepting authority (rather than avoiding it) and realizing that the resisting it really has only gotten in my own way.

Resisting “what is”

I think I’ve focused most of my life on “Trying to create the perfect situation”.  Recently I was hit with the brick on my head that it NOT All About Creating the Perfect Situation, but it is also about Accepting What Is. Maybe it is about a 50/ 50 split. You can partly create an ideal situation, but no situation is completely ideal.  We all have to learn to just go along with life and handle our emotions as they come up. 

Things are going to be unpredictable, hard, frustrating, annoying, not make sense, and piss you off. I think part of taking care of yourself is learning how to handle yourself in these situations.  By becoming stronger and dealing with difficult situations (rather than avoiding them), you are actually taking better care of yourself. This was a BIG BIG BIG realization for me because it meant I don’t have to keep hopping around the globe re-creating some ideal scenario and then giving up (rather quickly) when it doesn’t “work out”. If I look back, honestly, I’ve been doing that since I was 16.

Life beyond resentment

By no means have I mastered this one yet, but what I’ve found helpful so far is to Observe the Resentment. This has been an effective exercise in helping me to see past the illusions I’m creating, and look deeper at the root cause.  Mostly, I’ve found out that these emotions fade, and I can be more enjoyable and productive if I face my resistance straight on.  When I feel my teeth clenching, my body tensing, and my head on overdrive repeating “I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE”, I now meet it with a simple question…   Why?

I continue to drill down and nearly every answer results in some sort of anxiety rooted in my childhood work situation.  Maybe I’m crazy sitting there and talking to myself like a maniac, but, honestly, it works. I continue to ask myself why I am feeling (anxious, nervous, trapped, annoyed) and more times than not, I get some form of:  because that’s what I felt as a kid and I hated it.

But why should what I felt as a child get in the way of my success as an adult?

Simply put, If I want to get beyond it, I have got to get over it. Letting go of old hurt and resistance frees up mental space and allows us to grow, so that’s what I’m going to do. I need to get over the resentment, because there is life beyond it.

That said, what are the areas of resistance in your life?

Are you holding on to any resentment that is keeping you stuck?

Thanks for your comments!!

William James

There’s a lot of talk these days about the Law of Attraction.  Many books are out there discussing how to focus your thoughts and get what you want by thinking positive thoughts.  More importantly than just focusing on the stuff that you want, I believe that the quality of our life comes from the quality of our thoughts.  It is as simple as this:  if you spend the bulk of your day having pleasant thoughts, you will have a good day.  On the contrary, if you have miserable thoughts, your day will suck.  We all have moments of getting caught up in the drama of our lives, so here are some quick tips of things I’ve learned to begin to change your thinking.

Observing Your Thoughts

Our minds are like any environment.  The conditions need to be right for good ideas to grow.  Thoughts grow from having an open mind and ‘can do’ attitude.  Try to observe the thoughts you have and notice what patterns come up. If it is too difficult at first to notice your thinking, listen to the words you say about different topics.  Are you closing down to people, experiences, or certain areas of your life?  What areas do you find yourself saying the words “I can’t”?  Get to know the areas of your life that you seem defensive about.  Where are your buttons pushed, and by whom?

Noticing Patterns

Once you have begun to notice your thoughts, the next step is to observe any patterns that go along with them.  Because every action has an equal and opposite reaction, see what you are reacting to.  Patterns of behavior are more predictable than you think.  Take a moment to consider your reactions to the following questions:

When things go “wrong” what do I do?

What people seem to get under my skin?  Why?

What areas of my life seem to always “go wrong”?

Linking Your Thinking to your Feelings

A great indicator of our thinking is our feelings.  If we are feeling frustrated, upset, or just having an off day, it is worth exploring our thought processes.  When we take time to get to know our own emotional reactions, we can learn more about ourselves and where we are staying stuck. Rather than responding to unfavorable situations and escalating the tension, try to remain calm, and explore your emotional reaction later during quiet time.

I recently had a situation where a friend really upset me.  I have been reading three different books about mind training and decided to try to do what they said.  I remained calm, focused on my breathing, and tried to not take it personally.  Later, I spent quite a bit of time going through the scenario in my head.  Rather than asking myself “Why did they say that to me?” I asked myself, “Why am I so reactive to that comment?”

I continued to ask questions and dig deeper until I found the source of the pain.  I realized I was being reactive to a comment because it made me feel devalued.  Because I had a strong reaction to males making me feel this way growing up, I experienced pain.  I spent time working through these older issues and realized what my friend had actually given me was a gift.  I had an opportunity to realize an old pattern, find the root cause, and forgive an old situation I had been holding onto for years!

Many of us have these Reactive Filters.  We react strongly, or overreact to people in situations that remind us of old hurts.  We try to justify our own behavior by lashing out or making the situation worse.  We do have the choice to turn hurtful situations into learning opportunities.  We can sit uncomfortably through moments and find the source later.  We can notice how these reactive behaviors are keeping us stuck and determine to work through them.  Next time you feel you are getting your buttons pushed, look deeper to see where the root of this thought process is coming from, and see if you can reprogram your old pattern.

Reprogramming our Thoughts for Better Results

The less reactive we are, the less drama that surrounds our lives.  When we can go into our own lives and take responsibility for our reactions, we free up space for better patterns.  By reprogramming our thoughts, we improve the quality of our lives.  We learn how to find more enjoyable thoughts to focus on throughout the day.  And, the better our thoughts, the happier our days.

“The calm man, having learned how to govern himself, knows how to adapt himself to others; and they, in turn, reverence his spiritual strength, and feel that they can learn of him and rely upon him.  The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good.”

-James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

As luck (or the Universe) would have it, the second I got back down here and announced my new goal, Kris piped up with, “That’s what I went to school for, I’m a certified Personal Trainer.”  My heart leapt.  Part for sheer JOY of How Quickly the Universe Responds, and part ‘cause I was scared shitless.

You see, I’ve been living in a world class climbing destination.  I have climbed on and off for about nine years.  Two years ago I threw my back out.  This led me to telling myself this story:

Climbing is like crack to me.  I’m a huge addict and don’t know when to stop.  I’m not competitive in sports with other people, but I’m hugely competitive with myself.  If you’ve read my post, How to Slow Down and Take Smaller Steps, it became very apparent to me that I needed to change my expectations about what climbing would be like after an injury.  Going slow is really hard for me, and sucking at something I used to be good at is even harder. So, before, when I would go to the climbing gym, I would push it.  I would push too hard and hurt myself again.  I was STUCK in this never-ending cycle of going too hard, injuring myself, taking too long to recover, and then going right back at it.

Something needed to change!!  I pretty much gave up climbing and focused primarily on activities I knew I could do:  hiking, biking, swimming, thai chi, and chi gung.  While all of these activities are good, they aren’t climbing.  I like the feeling of ascension.  I crave it.  I’m a little bit crazy and sometimes climbing walls is the only thing that calms me down.

So now, I’m done with my Old Story, and ready to Make Friends With Pain.  With a little help from my friends, I’ve come to understand that incredible stuff happens when you work with a coach.  While I’ve heard some of this stuff from my clients before, I had yet to really experience it for myself.  I recommend that all of you find out where you are holding yourself back, declare a new goal, and get some help from an expert. I’m excited to share with you some big transformations that have already taken place from this process and help to answer the question:  What happens when I work with a Coach??

Guidance

– Like me, you may want to achieve more than you currently have, but you don’t know how.  You feel stuck, frustrated, and like you are in some kind of holding tank.  You want to do more.  You are tired of Doing It All By Yourself.

Technique

– Sometimes all it takes is to modify what you are already doing and make small adjustments.  There were exercises that I had COMPLETELY Ruled Out because of my injuries.  Kris has shown me how to do proper technique so I don’t hurt myself.  He’s helping me build opposing muscles so I can handle more weight.

Personalized Program

– I used to train with a group when I did Rowing in college.  I loved the comradery, but I never felt like I was learning specific individual skills.  I didn’t know how to best use my strength, train my body type, or give myself rest days.  Working with an individual coach speeds up progress.

Accountability

– Sometimes the best thing is that someone else is showing up.  I know I have a time slot going and someone else is going to be there.  My friend is working out with me.  I need to be accountable.

Commitment

– I’m not going to lie, some days I just don’t want to do it.  I’m tired, my body hurts, I’m exhausted.  But, just the sheer fact that Someone Else Is Committed to ME keeps me going.  I’ve done more just because I knew someone else believes in me.

Motivation

– We do more when we are motivated.  When someone else is giving us help, a stern look, or a ‘come on, you can do it!’ we rise to the challenge.  We dig down and pull from somewhere we didn’t know existed.

Changing the Idea of What You Thought Was Possible

– When someone else is encouraging us to reach new heights, they are changing our ideas of what we even thought was possible.  Suddenly the Impossible seems Possible.  We get stronger.  The old possibilities seem small by comparison and we learn to think bigger, press onward, and challenge ourselves more.

Excuses

– All of these skills help us to overcome our Old Stories, or excuses we used to tell.  When I would hear myself telling my Old Story, I hated it.  Even as it came out of my mouth, it seemed like such a weak excuse.  I didn’t like talking about “my injury” or identifying with something that felt weak.  When we no longer need to justify our Old Story, it opens us up for a total change of thinking.

Change in Mindset

– One interesting thing that happens working with a coach is that you can eventually hear their voice in your own head.  I’ll be doing curls on my own and hear “Relax your shoulders.  Keep your abs in.”  That voice wasn’t there before!!  When you begin to hear their voice as your own, something very special has happened.  You have changed your entire outlook about the topic.  You have reached a level where you can begin to coach yourself!!

What are the areas in YOUR LIFE that you would like to improve?

What Old Stories have you been telling yourself to Stay Stuck?

How could you benefit by getting a Coach?

What would it FEEL LIKE to move past your Old Stories and realize a WHOLE NEW YOU??!!

This month’s  mini-view comes from Cath Duncan, life coach, writer, and author of the blog site Mine Your Resources.   Her site is one of my favorites, and I land there often, whenever I need a ‘Pick Me Up’ or some inspiration for life.  Cath is a great example of someone living an unconventional life with a business that will travel.  She also has a wonderful charity project her and her husband are working on, learn more by reading Extreme African Adventures and How to Create More Meaning in Your Life.

What is your passion and how are you sharing it with the world?

I’m most passionate about Agile Living and helping people to develop the mind and life management skills that’ll enable them learn and change easily, so they can thrive in a high-change world and create the life they want.

The main thing that gets in the way of us learning and changing easily and being who we want to be is fear, so I love helping people to develop a positive, resourceful relationship with their fears. Fear is an incredibly resourceful emotion and it only expands when we try to ignore or fight it, so I teach people how to mine the resources in their fears, so they can create the life they want.

One of my main projects is the Bottom-line Bookclub, where I help people to accelerate, deepen and apply their personal development learning by providing learning programs that give them the Bottom-line on the highest-leverage ideas and the most effective change tools in the best personal development books.

I also coach people one-on-one through major changes they’re making or wanting to make, and I share a lot about how to learn and change more easily on my blog, Mine Your Resources and in the monthly free expert teleseminars that I host.

Where in the world are you now and how did you end up there?

I’m living with my husband, Andy, in Cape Town, South Africa for a few months and we’ll head off again in the new year. We’re still deciding our next location. We’re keen to live somewhere we haven’t lived before – there’s still so much of the world we want to see.

I work online, because that’s the most agile small business model I’ve found and it allows me to easily change my location and other big parts of my life and keep doing the work I love doing, without having to start all over again with building my business.

What would you say was the most challenging part of getting to where you are now?

I found it really hard to uncover what sort of work I wanted to do. Creating and working has always been very important to me – even as a child, I was unusually “productive” and created little projects for myself.

We’re taught to look at the different categories of jobs that already exist in the world, choose one to do for the rest of your life, and then go and follow the linear, pre-determined path into that job by doing the “right” training, starting in the “right” junior jobs to get the “right” experience, and then working your way up, making a life-long career out of it. I guess this process suits some people, but it didn’t work for me, and I think it’s rapidly becoming outdated in our high-change world. At some point I realized that I didn’t want to try to fit myself into a job because I couldn’t find one that I felt I could fit well enough into, and I realized that I needed to invent my own work and workstyle around the values that were important to me and the activities I loved doing.

That sounds simple and straightforward, but getting clear on my values and what I loved doing, and then creating a platform and the necessary scaffolding to make it possible to get paid to do it has been way tougher and has taken a lot longer than I’d thought it would. I didn’t realize that it was going to take so much soul-searching and I didn’t expect all the existential and identity crises that it triggered. And when it comes to setting up the systems and scaffolding to make a successful business out of the stuff I love doing, it’s been a relentless and steep curve of continuous personal and professional learning. It’s probably a good thing that I was so naive, or else I might never have taken the leap!

Inspiring words and advice for others interested in going global & putting lifestyle first…

1.) Live lean.

You don’t need all the “things” that the media says you need, in order to be happy, and that stuff just creates the pressure for you to work harder and longer so you can earn more money and buy that stuff you think you need. You can create a lot of financial freedom by dropping the desire for “building a fort” and collecting stuff.

2.) Realize that the quality of your life is all about the quality of your thinking.

The only way you can experience the world or decide what to create in the world is through your own thoughts, so your greatest resource is your own ability to think. Developing your ability to use your whole mind is the most important investment you can make. Don’t skimp on developing your thinking, and be willing to review and renew your thinking by questioning your assumptions often.

3.) Prioritize action over planning.

You can do all the research and reading in the world, but most of the things that’ll make the biggest difference in your happiness and success in life can’t be controlled or planned, and at the end of the day knowledge is worthless unless you use it and take action.

Connect With Cath:

http://www.mineyourresources.com/
http://twitter.com/cathduncan
http://twitter.com/bottomlinebkclb

and… Don’t forget to check out her Bottom-line Bookclub!  Cath is running a special till December 18th for a 2 for 1 six month gift subscription! Click below for details!!
Two-for-one 6-month Gift Subscription Special

Questions?  Comments?  Leave ‘em below!

If you are anything like me, when these moments set in, you begin to question life… question existence… and attempt to answer the age old question…

“Why am I here?”

I wish for all of our sakes that I could figure this one out.  In fact, I spend a lot of time trying to get to the root of questions like this on a regular basis.  With so much suffering in the world, why is it that we keep going?  Why do we still want to move towards happiness, and away from pain?  Is this journey just about overcoming suffering, and finding lasting happiness?  Isn’t that what we all really want?

Suffering

The Dalai Lama states:

“Suffering and pain are inalienable facts of life.”

In order to better understand lasting happiness, we must first explore the depths of suffering.  In the Dalai Lama’s book, Ethics for the New Millennium, he describes two forms of suffering: avoidable forms, and unavoidable forms.

1. Avoidable Forms – Cause and effect scenarios that are avoidable such as: war, fighting, our economic situation, mental and emotional states, level of education, health, and how we take care of ourselves.
2. Unavoidable Forms – Situations or conditions that we do not influence or create such as: natural disasters, aging, death, and general uncertainty of life.

In our lives, we tend to react equally to both.  Either form comes up in our lives and seems surprising to us.  Even the events that we brought on ourselves seem shocking. Our job is to realize when we are doing this, and to change our behavior.  We may not be able to avoid all suffering, but at least we can stop the cycles that are coming from avoidable forms of suffering.

Our Struggle with Suffering

Because we cannot predict when we will be met with adversity, we feel confused.  We are further confounded by thinking the following ways:

If I was doing this “right”, I would not be suffering.

If I am being a good person, being virtuous, and helping others, I should not suffer.

Additionally, we think that if we do the right things, we will experience contentment.  However, “…undermining everything we do, there is the suffering lack of contentment which arises even when we achieve all that we have striven for.”

Maybe you have experienced this in your life?

“And if this were not enough… the very experiences which ordinarily [should bring us pleasure] turn out themselves to be a source of suffering.”

So, my conclusion… No matter how hard we try, or what we do, there will always be some form of unavoidable suffering that will surface.  We cannot actually Do Anything to stop suffering, but, “the degree to which suffering affects us is largely up to us.”

Changing Your Mindset Around Happiness

Just as there are two kinds of suffering, I believe that there are two kinds of happiness:  conditional happiness, and unconditional happiness.  Much like the two forms of suffering, we set up rules and structures about how we feel based on What Happens To Us.  Read about the two types of happiness, and see what rules you are playing by.

Conditional Happiness

Conditional happiness is based on false hopes, imaginary expectations and situations or people outside of our control.  Here is the mindset, or recurring thought process…

I can be happy when…

• I’ve got it all figured out
• I buy this next…
• I have my new…
• I accomplish…

I would be happy if…

• my relationship was…
• my boss was…
• my family acted…
• people would treat me…

I can feel safe and secure when…

• I have X money in the bank
• I make X dollars a month
• my retirement fund is X
• My mortgage is paid down to X

Unconditional Happiness

Unconditional happiness is based on accepting reality, realizing and appreciating where we are, focusing on controlling our behaviors, emotions, and life experience that we create.

We can achieve this by practicing the following steps…

STEP 1:  Realize happiness is a choice, NOT a circumstance.

You cannot create a world insulated from suffering but you can create an attitude devoid of suffering.

STEP 2:  Realize when you are creating suffering that IS AVOIDABLE, and Stop It!

Try to catch yourself and change your behaviors when you are…Participating in Negative Thoughts, Creating Drama and Gossip, Being Emotionally Reactive, Creating Conflict, or Choosing behaviors with a Negative Consequence to your Health and Well Being.

STEP 3:  Understand the conditional happiness rules you have set up and how limiting those constraints are for ourselves and others.

If you can only be happy when…and if someone acts…and if you have…  You are going to spend the majority of your life VERY unhappy!!

STEP 4:  Work every day on being happy No Matter What.

No matter what comes at you, what breaks, what people say or do (or Don’t say or Do)… focus on being happy.  Try to build yourself to the point of Unshakable Happiness.

STEP 5:  Repeat steps 1 – 4 until you die.

This is something that we must work on Every Day.  It is a challenge to build unconditional happiness, but in order to be happy, we must do it!  Do it for yourself, do it for others, but everyday, get up and just do it.

If we can train ourselves to be happy…not Because of what is happening, but rather, DESPITE what is happening, we have truly achieved greatness.

*all quotes taken from His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s book, Ethics for the New Millennium

*photo source: http://www.writespirit.net/authors/dalai_lama/pictures