Coaching by question and brain research

Nitpatanasai gives an overview of David Rock’s book Quiet Leadership:  Help People Think Better–Don’t Tell Them What to Do.

All of my excited buttons went off simultaneously as I googled these gentleman.  Mostly, for two reasons:

1.  Their research and experience proves the questioning methodology of coaching works (and)

2.  The book shows how our brains move  ideas into action–or transformational change.

Throughout my MBA program, I was obsessed with the topic of Transformational Change (and still am!) and this is why I went into the field of Coaching / Consulting.

What is Transformational Change?

One definition is that it “requires altering and expanding the limiting mindset in which the individual (or) the organization operates.”

This is not just changing HOW an Individual does something, or adding a new idea to an existing set of tasks.  We are Literally CHANGING THE WAY PEOPLE THINK.  Changing the way they think about their lives, their limitations, and their possibilities.

Here is an example.  Everyone Knows that they Should go to the gym, but most people continue to sit on the couch.  They are tired.  They can justify it.  A nominal change might be that they take a step towards going to the gym.  Maybe they buy workout clothing or shoes, or get a gym membership.

Transformational Change occurs when the person actually changes the way they think about the gym, and then continually and successfully go.  Thinking has changed, therefore, results are achieved.

As a coach, this is what we do.  We help speed up this process.

I really enjoyed reading this article, because it brought up two critical points:

We cannot tell people to come to a new conclusion

They have to come to it themselves.  Inside all of our brains there are essentially road maps.  The roads that exist are experiences or thought patterns that we have had before.  If we want to go to a new destination (read: way of life, new way of thinking, way of living differently), our brain has to create a new road.

When we experience an epiphany or eureka moment… This Is Transformational Change!  Our brains have essentially built a new road.  And, lucky for us, our mindset has changed, meaning our behaviors can change, thereby changing our results.

We CAN lead people to their own conclusions

Telling someone what to do is about as effective as me explaining to you how to get to my house in Krabi, Thailand.  You can’t even picture it, because you’ve never been here.  Changing mindsets is relatively the same thing.  By leading someone to their own conclusions by questioning, people can experience the awareness of putting a new thought into action.

Here’s an overview of Rock’s model:

Rock came up with a four-step model that has visual and audible clues to watch for when we’re trying to help people develop their own insights:

1. Awareness: When we face a problem or dilemma, our face looks a little unhappy or perplexed. Our eyes might squint slightly. We recognize we have a problem, we feel stuck. From a neuroscientific perspective, we have various mental maps in conflict. They have competing values, competing demand for resources, and the brain has not yet worked out how to resolve this conflict by creating a new metamap or by reconfiguring our existing maps.

2. Reflection: Your face changes. Most people look up, or slightly up and across, and have a dazed look on their face. Their forehead might tense up as they think more deeply. Nearly everyone becomes silent for a moment.

3. Illumination: There’s a rush of energy if it’s big idea, like Archimedes’ “eureka” moment.

4. Motivation: People’s eye movements show they are ready for action.

((This process is the most gratifying part of my job… watching the transformational change take place by the look on someone’s face.))

Coaching, in my view, isn’t about coming in and telling someone what to do.  It is about meeting someone where they are at and giving them the skills they need to break through old ideas and limiting behaviors– thereby helping them to pave new roads to unlimited success.

Thoughts?

(Here’s a link to the book if you want to check it out…)

One thing I’ve noticed is that many of the initial signs of this process are identical to the symptoms of depression.  When one is going through this process, it is easy to feel left out, alone, and confused.  I mean, let’s face it, not everyone is on a journey of truth, and sometimes it is worth questioning,

Does discontent lead to enlightenment?

One thing to notice is that the outcomes of depression and enlightenment are separate, even though the stages look nearly the same.

At the end of the depression cycle, we see people feeling helpless, separate, and faithless.

At the end of the enlightenment process, people feel contented, at peace, and fulfilled as they are.

One thing to consider though, is this:  If we are feeling isolated, lonely, or withdrawn– maybe this is a call to change!  Maybe we are feeling different because we ARE DIFFERENT.  Maybe it is because we Want SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  And maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing.

You Can Go Your Own Way

Many people that I have met on my travels have confided in me that before they left home, they were suffering from depression.  A lot of these folks were on medication for it.  Since following their dream, getting away from a reality they didn’t buy into, and taking daily steps towards a meaningful life, they’ve made the transition towards the path of the happy. The friends that I know have gotten off the meds, and on with their life.

My purpose in writing this article is to encourage you to take notice of your emotional state.  It could be that if you are experiencing depression, you need to make some major changes in your life.

If you are on a spiritual path, know that there are times that you will feel isolated, lonely, and confused. While this has been the happiest time of my life, I’ve also broken down in tears and sobbed more times than ever! Part of this process is breaking down and falling apart, so recognize it for what it is… transformational change.

Facing yourself is hard!  It’s uncomfortable, and it’s an emotional roller coaster.  But, if you stay determined to stick through the uncomfortable-ness of it all, you will come out on the other side.

In the past, I’ve struggled with other people’s opinions (mostly because I’m always breaking the rules). I’ve also lived a very unconventional life, challenged by the concepts of fitting in with society, doing the work that I love, and feeling like I was contributing or changing the world in some way.  I want to let you all know that for the first time EVER, I feel like all of that has changed.

From getting feedback from you all, I realized there are many others out there, feeling alone and confused wondering why they don’t fit into conventional society. We wonder why the nine to five  feels like prison and why we can’t just make it happen and Keep up with the Jonses like everybody else.  I think the best gift in creating this blog has been hearing your comments.  I love connecting with you all and learning the trials and tribulations you are working through while you try to build a lifestyle and business that works for you.

I feel so fortunate to have a sense of understanding from you and realize something very important:  I’m not the only one.

My hope is by reading this site and hearing other people’s stories, you will realize that you are not the only one. Just because you roll a little bit differently from the rest doesn’t mean there is anything wrong.  In fact, what I’ve learned is this ability to be different and do something about it is one of the most empowering things in the world!

Doing Something MORE

With the economy changing, business is  happening a bit differently than before.  After I got over my initial self serving pity party, I realized that this is actually just an opportunity in disguise.  The truth is, people need support in their life and business NOW more than ever!!  The only problem has been that even though people want help, they simply can’t afford it.

I have had some time to think outside of the box and look at some more ways of reaching out and giving back more.  Here is the thing:  I LOVE what I do, and I want to do more of it. I am most happy when I am connecting with likeminded individuals and inspiring them to take action on their goals in life and business. I want to reach out more, and be available in more ways to you all.  I want to be like one of those great restaurants that is PACKED full of happy customers because the service is great, the food is fantastic, and the price is right.  So after a lot of soul searching, here is what I’ve come up with to be more available to YOU:

1. As many of you know, I respond to ALL blog comments.  I want to encourage you to comment or send me a direct email.  I’m always excited to hear from readers, what you are up to, and how I can help.  I WANT to be involved :0)
2. I’m writing guest blog posts on other sites like Digital Nomads to help spread the word of working remotely.
   
3. I am starting a new newsletter!!  Sign up for my Newsletter.  You will get specific success tips related to building the lifestyle of your dreams, business tips, and resources for going global.
4. In the Newsletter, I am going to offer free downloads and previews to upcoming product releases, as well as FREE COACHING CALLS. I’m going to offer free group coaching calls with all of my new Product Releases.  I realize that most people get stuck in life because they need more information.  In addition, they need someone to Guide Them Through the information!!  I was trying to figure out how to help everyone more, and I figured out I could reduce the overall cost by offering affordable Products with FREE Coaching Calls.  I’ll be releasing Monthly topics such as Lifestyle Design, Building a Budget, Overcoming Self-Limiting Behaviors, Finding Your Personal Mission, Going Global… and more.
5. I’m creating an affiliate program that rocks.  You can help the world and make money.  Get on the newsletter list to hear more.

I’m going to release my New Book, Return on Life—with a Free Six Week Coaching Class on October 1st.

As an incentive to put your name in a box and get more cool stuff, I will send you my Free eBook Spiritually Rich, right now :0).

Loser Excuse #1:  I don’t have the right gear…

I have the same broke-down backpack that I bought when I was nineteen. It’s been all over the world and continues to wrack up miles.  It’s been all over the US, Australia, Europe, Thailand and has many more adventures to come.  It doesn’t matter if you have a new bag, grab your nearest Hefty garbage bag, put your stuff in it and go. You are just delaying your fun by deliberating about stuff you think you must have in order to go and live your life!!

Loser Excuse #2:  I don’t have the right technology…

Waiting around to save up for the latest and greatest MacBook?  Don’t!  Just use what you’ve got and hit the road.  My laptop is about the size of a Cadillac.  It’s heavy, and sturdy, and gets the job done. I’ve had it for six years and it is still kickin’.  Don’t let technology keep you on your couch making excuses. There’s more electrical tape on my charger cord than anyone’s at home, but I’m seeing the world.  Wrap it up, pack it up and go.  Spend the money on a one way ticket instead of a fancy new notebook.

Loser Excuse #3: I don’t have any money…

Do you have a car?  Do you have some furniture?  Sell it.  Whamo!  You have money!  For some reason, everyone assumes I’m rich.  Newsflash:  I’m NOT!  I’m rich in the activities that I do with my life, and I am wealthy with friendships and opportunities. I did what it took to get out here, namely, working my butt off and selling everything I owned.  Is this easy?  No.  But was it worth it…Hell Yes!  I didn’t have a ton of clients, I had no savings, and I didn’t know where I was going to live.  I just did it, And So Can You!  You are a clever person, once you get somewhere, you can figure it out !

Loser Excuse #4:  I can’t leave because of my _______

Fill in the blank with any obligation.  Other people will never want you to go.  But your life isn’t up to other people!  You have to be willing to go and do your thing.  This means leaving behind things like family, loved ones, and even pets. I know this is hard, because I did it.  I had the boyfriend, the dogs, the white picket fence & the SUV.  Now I have a backpack and a life.

One of my readers, Betsy, recently posted this:

“When we started a life of “voluntary simplicity” 3 years ago it was to reclaim some space in our lives (literally and figuratively). Our social life expanded to fill the void from material things, and that is a more than fair trade.”

Now her and her husband are planning an around the world trip.  I wrote her back, congratulating her for making the move to simplicity and filling up her life.

I’d rather see You filling up your Life instead of your Garage!

Soooooooooooooooo…

1. Forget about the gear, and get Hefty.

2. Take your heavy-ass laptop around the world.  It’s good for building arm strength & looking vintage.

3. Sell your crap, buy a plane ticket.  Be clever and your world will never be destroyed.

4. Can the excuses and get a life.

Thoughts?  Leave a comment!

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I’m Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

You may have mixed feelings about Michael Jackson, the king of pop.  What I realized beyond anything else is that he inspired us to dance, move, and make that change.  He is a part of all of us who have grown up listening to his music and has inspired us all…

This Wind Is Blowin’ My Mind

The world can be a scary and unpredictable place.  We can often feel lost or confused by other people, but in the end, it comes down to us.

They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya’ See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That’s Why I’m Starting With
Me

We may not be able to change the world, but we can change ourselves.  We can make a difference by committing to leading a life worth living, a life of passion, inspiration, and wisdom.  We can commit to helping others and making a difference with everyone who crosses our path.

I’m Starting With The Man In the Mirror

I’m Asking Him To Change
His Ways

And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World

A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change

Doing ‘What’s Right’ means taking a look at what you are currently doing and being real with yourself.  What can you do to make the world a better place?  What can you do to contribute?  How can you open your heart and your mind?

You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time
‘Cause When You Close Your
Heart
You Close Your . . .Your
Mind!

Change IS POSSIBLE!  But it requires thoughtful ACTION.  You’ve got to Move!  Come on!  Get motivated, get inspired, and “MAKE THAT CHANGE!”

You’ve Got To Start with Yourself!

You’ve Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!

Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!

Aaow!

Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!

You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!

Make That Change.

What can you do to make a difference and make that change, starting today!?!?

Sometimes, when you really want something in life, you have to go it alone. Traveling alone can be an overwhelming and scary adventure, especially if you are a female. With all of my travels in my life I have had somewhat of an itinerary, except now. This makes for an interesting scenario. First, I don’t know where I’m going, and then, I don’t know how long I will stay. While this is exciting and fun, it can feel like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at times, too! It also makes for some strange conversations. People don’t understand what I’m doing and I can’t tell them where I’m going. Hmmm. ‘We’ll just leave that girl alone!’

However, being alone is a very real part of life. Most of us avoid it like the plague because it means that we will have to feel uncomfortable, or scrutinized by others wondering why we are by ourselves. This becomes even more the truth when you don’t know the language others are speaking (so they must be talking about you). These were my initial worries going out to my mystery destination all alone. And, almost three weeks later, I am happy to say I am much more comfortable with my aloneness.

So far, I have come up with these tips for those traveling solo…

Make friends with the locals

Most of the people that live here are shop owners and run bungalows. The good news for me is that I know they will be there every day. Sometimes just seeing a familiar face is enough to get you out of a ‘travel funk’, and into higher spirits. My favorite friend here is Ploy, she runs the bungalow where I live and each day she teaches me a new word in Thai.

Take the time you need for introspection

It has been difficult for me to stop myself from running out and making friends with the whole town right away. I am inherently a “Chatty Kathy” and it is hard for me to be quiet, and even harder for me to sit still (school was a nightmare). When I arrived here I promptly got an eye infection and a cold. It was as if the Universe was telling me: stay put! Reluctantly I listened and spent the next several days just hanging out at the bungalow or going to the beach by myself. When you are quiet and no one else is talking to you, it is a great way to observe all of the chatting that is still going on in your head. I was amazed that I was still talking for weeks even though no one else could hear. The head voice hasn’t completely halted, but it has at least gotten off of the RedBull!

Find your natural rhythm

I was also able to get into a natural rhythm with myself. Not having to be anywhere on anyone else’s terms, I was able to really see what my patterns were and make up a new schedule that fit my needs. I now wake up and do Thai Chi and Chi Kung, read, and then go out for the day. I come back around five, nap and then go to dinner. I usually spend my evenings reading, writing or going to an internet café. I have found that this is a more productive use of my time and gives me the most enjoyment throughout the week.

Learn the language

One of my new favorite pastimes is learning how to speak in Thai. Because the language is tonal, I can work on learning the phonetics at night and then correct my tones during the day. I practice every chance I get. When someone tells me how much something is in English, I respond with how I think it might be said in Thai. This gives me the opportunity to hear it again with the correct tone. Then, I do the same thing with getting my change, or ordering my food. Everyone I have tried this with has been excited that I was trying to learn their language… and I can spend the bulk of my day interacting with the locals and taking in their culture.

People watching

…has become my new reality show. I now pick out chairs in restaurants that will give me the best view of the street. I watch bustling vendors, young couples on motorbikes, and farong (tourists) shuffling about with their sunburns. At most points in time there are several different languages going on all around me. I try to figure out where people are from: France, Germany, Sweden, Switzerland.

Watching the Thai people interact has taught me more about their culture than any tour book could ever tell. If you are observant, you can pick up on what is going on in most situations. I really appreciate the Thai culture and their ability to be Mai Pen Rai or accepting and unbothered by life’s dramas.

Get a great book

Find a bookstore and get into a book. Having a fun read is essential when trying to relax and go with the flow. This can also be a great crutch to have with you as you go out for meals by yourself.

Connect with other travelers online

There are other cool people planning trips in your area. www.couchsurfing.com is a great tool for meeting others and coordinating travel with others. Go on, if you haven’t already, and create a profile for when and where you are travelling. This site is great because in your duller moments (i.e. when you are not travelling) you can host other travelers and invite them to meet up with or stay with you. Several of the wonderful new friends I’ve met here have been through www.facebook.com. Because I had communicated on there where I was and my latest updates, other friends of mine connected me with folks that either lived there or were passing through. This ‘friend of a friend’ acquaintance can make you feel much closer to home and help you to build your new network of friends.

Send mail

Send postcards. Sending mail back home can make you feel more connected. Sharing your experiences can motivate friends and family and make them feel like they are a part of your journey.

Spend time emailing friends and family and letting them know how and why you appreciate them. Often times when we are home, we fail to realize the full depth and appreciation we have for others in our lives. Maybe now is the time to reach out and let people know how special they are to you.

Go out on your own

Bars? I put a question mark after this one because it could go either way. After arriving in a new town, I spent the first week quite sick. I finally pulled myself together, more out of boredom than recovery and walked down to a local Irish pub. Feigning interest in the football game on TV, I was joined by a nice couple at the bar. Shortly thereafter we were talking about US politics (a subject I feel woefully uninterested and undereducated to represent) with a gentleman from Sweden and his new Thai girlfriend. About thirty minutes into our dialog he is up and starts walking out. I turned around and he said, “I’m sorry, but we have to go now, my girlfriend HATES you.” Oops.

Fast forward two weeks and I stopped in another lovely restaurant/ bar and met a fantastic group of people who have been instrumental in helping me to find a place to rent, invited me to parties, and have generally been nothing short of lifesavers. When at first you don’t succeed (at a bar)… try, try again!

Adventuring solo. Try booking a group activity where you are sure to meet other people. Rock climbing, scuba diving, snorkeling, and touring are some activities that are popular here. You are bound to have opportunities to talk to others on the trips and hopefully have folks to hang with afterwards.

When all else fails, go to a franchise. As I was guiltily breaking my budget and healthy diet at Starbucks, I looked up at a board where passer-byers had scribbled notes. The one that caught my eye was, “Starbucks: You Saved My Life!” and I knew exactly what they meant. Sometimes there is nothing more that you need when you are travelling than something grounding and familiar. Since I have been away, I have frequented places I never used to eat like McDonalds and Subway. It is really more about having something familiar and comforting. Having an iced chai latte with a double chocolate brownie really can fix any problem in the world!

And in the end, you can fall back on the advice of my mother who simply put it, “Honey, you’re never really alone.”

Thomas More published this book in 1516. Remarkably, he has produced such a timeless piece of work that we can learn even today from the society that he describes in Utopia (or, no-place). Because his ideas are outside of the box and very much in alignment with many factors I agree with wholeheartedly, I am going to describe briefly my favorite parts of Utopia….

Utopia

More’s story begins when he and his friend Peter come across the most interesting worldly character: Raphael Nonsenso. After engaging in pleasantries, Raphael begins to go into a long account about his travels and experiences all around the world. Naturally, he had seen many cultures and could assimilate what worked in various societies and what did not. Many societies were based on money, power, and greed and because of this he saw a huge dichotomy between the rich and the poor. Countries focused on growing and taking over land and vast territories by force creating wars, death and economic hardship. These societies had many faults—all of them but one: Utopia.

Raphael had spent years in Utopia after discovering it. It was, in fact, the only sustainable culture and community he had ever seen. Not only were the people well educated and advanced, but they loved learning and seemed to be the happiest people he had ever encountered. How could a society be so fulfilled and the people so incredibly happy? Here are some of their secrets:

• Utopia functions as a whole—all goods and services are made and distributed freely to families as needed.
• Their society and GDP was not compromised by having a fashion or entertainment industries.
• Land is equally distributed & maintained. There is no ‘cost’ for property, it is evenly distributed in small villages or compounds.
• Money is unnecessary because the town’s labor all goes towards the common good of providing ONLY what is necessary.
• Because less consumables are needed, there is less work that the overall population must do. (Much of this labor is cut out because they do not need to mass produce clothing, electronics, or such things.)

“They never force people to work unnecessarily, for the main purpose of their whole economy is to give each person as much time free from physical drudgery as the needs of the community will allow, so that he can cultivate his mind—which they regard as the secret of a happy life” (p. 59).

• The people are taught detachment when it comes to material goods and signs of wealth. In fact, it is instead a sign of something dreadful or even childish to display such garishness. Toilets are made of solid gold and those that have broken the law and become slaves wear huge chains of gold and gold jewelry. Sometimes children will wear gemstones but as they grow older they realize these are childish and give them away to the ‘babies’.
• Utopians believe in taking care of oneself and creating your own happiness. They consider it their right to enjoy life and seek out pleasure (as long as it does not hurt them or anyone else).

  Since their basic needs are taken care of (food, shelter, water, community) one can focus more on serving others.

“Nobody owns anything, but everyone is rich—for what greater wealth can there be than cheerfulness, peace of mind, and freedom from anxiety?” (p. 110).

The location of Utopia is unknown, or else I would surely try to find it. But, if you decide to take on some of the timeless lessons displayed in this book, such as: not putting money towards fashion or entertainment, letting go of some of your personal property, working towards the common good of society, reducing your spending thereby reducing your work, detaching from material goods and signs of wealth, cultivating joy, pleasure and happiness, and serving others—my guess is that you may find yourself in Utopia when you are not even looking for it.

“Mai Pen Rai” is elusive in its meaning and description and can be understood to mean any of the following: it’s OK, it doesn’t matter, no worries, or it is what it is. This gentle acceptance of life that the Thais emit has made for a country that attracts travelers from around the world. Thailand is known as “The Kingdom” and “The Land of Smiles” and the signs of happiness are everywhere here. I had forgotten what it was like to see people so genuinely relaxed and happy. I hear people whistling, singing, and merrily humming to themselves as they go about their day. Having a tonal language, the words are literally sung here, as well. People in Thailand are not just happy individually, they do something that many western cultures have forgotten, they share. Meals are shared, work is done in groups, and there is comradery instead of competition.

When something is out of stock, or has stopped working, it is “finished”. Your hamburger might be as finished as your internet service, and there is no telling when or why. The Thais do not trouble themselves with the explanation or trying to make unknown guesses of remedying the situation into the unknown future. Initially, I was annoyed by this, but then I came to appreciate the brilliance of the statement. When flashed a smile and told, “finished”, I have no unrealistic expectations to put in place. I no longer have to go through the mental crisis of trying to figure something out that I do not have the answers to. I can just accept it and relax.

Relaxation is built into the Thai society. Restaurants and resorts have names like The Easy Room, Come Sea; Let’s Relax, and you will frequently see people sleeping on the job. The streets are dotted with signs for massage and reflexology and posters remind you to “Enjoy Unlimited in Your Life“. Even my phone texts me messages from Mr. Happy and reminds me emphatically when I refill my calling card, “Make sure every day is HAPPY and don’t forget to bring your HAPPINESS with you Everywhere!”

Westerners that have made Thailand their home all have the same story: “I was tired of the grind, and the stress.” After being here for just over two months now, I am finally starting to unwind from all the years of stress. I don’t even think I realized the amount of constant pressure I was holding onto until I got away. I can now see it in my friends. All of my friends and colleagues first response to a ‘How are you’ in an email or IM responded with “BUSY”. I would hear only of how busy they were, or how much work they had to do. And even though I am no longer there, I have still been feeling the pressure of needing to produce at lightning speed. My mind has a running audio loop of “I need to get my website updated; I still haven’t posted that blog; I need to figure out my internet”.

I also want to see the country at lightening speed. My brain has yet to register the fact that I am living here. I still have the mentality of a speed traveler, trying to see the whole country in couple of weeks. Operating on overdrive and having the mentality of constantly trying to produce things runs deep in my psyche. But, really, what good does it do?
After being exposed to the “Mai Pen Rai” society, I have learned that the bulk of these items circling in my head really don’t need to happen right now. It is an unnecessary stress built up from years of trying to “push through life.” I think because many of us don’t enjoy a task, or have so many tasks to do, we believe, “If I could just get this thing done, then I would be able to _____ (insert: relax, enjoy, have the life I’ve always wanted). And just because everyone else around us is playing the same game, we choose to participate. But, the reality is, this is simply a choice.

I’m convinced at this point that the Thai culture was blessed by their “Mai Pen Rai” attitude. They are relaxed enough to take a midday nap. They are smiling when you look at them because they aren’t thinking of the eighty-million other places they ‘need’ to be. They are working together. They are enjoying their days, as well as their moments. The culture, in essence, is present.

So when you find yourself racing around, trying to swim upstream, or generally trying to fight the way of the world, remember the phrase, “Mai Pen Rai”, and just let yourself be “finished’.