Fat Rant

Fat Rant

If you are a white girl that lives in Asia, you are fat.  I am not talking about whether you actually are fat, because more than likely you are not fat.  However, in the eyes of every Asian girl, you are a towering giant that King Kongs around town squashing tiny beings with your massive girth.

Now, here comes the RANT… Ready?

I am of normal size.  I oscillate between a US size 8 and 10, which, considering where I am from might actually be considered “thin”.  I can pull off the same clothes from 15 years ago with a little more wiggling to get into them, but, just saying, I could.  I run, workout, and attempt to eat a somewhat healthy diet.  There is a possibility that I could be quite thin if there were not things in the world like cookies, pie, hamburgers or (sigh) pizza.  I allow myself to indulge in these treats with the promise that I keep of working it off later.  And, truthfully, I do.

So, this past week I was in Koh Tao, a magical island off the eastern coast of Thailand.  I won’t bore you with the details of how amazing it is, it will just piss you off.  For all intensive purposes, I was in your screensaver, leaping around and frolicking.  Feeling rather nice and confident in my more bronzed skin, I was wandering around shopping and asked to try on a dress.  Now, for the record, this dress was a T Shirt dress that I knew would fit.  But, Thailand clothing has a way of not fitting, even though it should, simply because it is made for people with no boobs, butt, and that are only about four feet tall.

The shop attendant eyed me up and blurted this:


Murder is in my future.

I have never really considered what it would be like to go to jail for the rest of my life, but this could be worth killing for.  Surely people have killed for less.  I hate this woman to my core, especially since for the last year I have been working out at least 3 times a week, including things like running, and stair climbing (both of which I loathe).

I decided to play the bitch, instead of going to jail and told her off (while she refused to look at me) about how inappropriate and rude she was and how I wasn’t actually fat and called her a bitch.  I hope she dies.

Anyway… I have been wondering this strange thought after working out solidly for nearly a year…

Is it possible for me to get a six pack?

This way, in Asia or anywhere else, if someone remarks on my weight I can lift my shirt, do a bang or two on my Awesome Six and throw a gang sign and say, “YO! YOU GOT THIS BITCH?”  (I secretly want to be a gangster, as I imagine all white girls from suburbia do).

Fat Rant

Speaking of suburbia, when I was on the rowing team in college, I worked out nearly everyday and never obtained the Awesome Six.  Some of the guys had six packs, and I hated them a little bit for it, after I finished drooling, that is.  The past several years, I’ve done rock climbing on and off, but mostly, I do it to watch the beautiful men.  There really isn’t a more muscley or macho sport than climbing.  And, I am not ashamed to say that I actually love watching the sport as much as I love doing it.  But even with climbing, I have not achieved the Wonder Woman Abs I so would love.  It leaves one guessing, and back to my original question… is it even possible?

Well, being the eternal optimist that I am, I have decided to up the stakes to an INSANE level and actually try.  I have started the Shaun T INSANITY workout program that is sure to either give me abs or kill me trying.  Most of this, is fueled by the horrible lady’s voice in my head on repeat that is calling me fat.  I realize that some of you may be strong enough to ignore a comment like that, but having been in Asia nearly five years, and having been called fat possibly hundreds of times, it is Pissing Me Off.  For Serious.

SO, I have reached the point of INSANITY, and there is no turning back.

Yesterday, I did the “Fit Test”, which included moves I have never actually seen before, all of which made me feel a new level of workout idiocy (you know, where you stand there with your mouth open and question the bounds of physicality?).  Ya, that.  Also, at one point I had to pause the video because I was surely experiencing the beginning stages of a heart attack.  And, mind you, I Do consider myself fit.

I had looked up some reviews and found this awesome GEM of a girl who hilariously admits her love / hate relationship with Shaun T and his INSANITY program:



If you found that entertaining, you must watch this one, too:


I am so happy to know that she feels the same way that I do about pie.  And, refrigerator gnomes.

Or, have a laugh at this article to get a taste of what I am getting myself into:


As an extra side note, this is supposed to be a 60 day program but I have decided to make it a 120 day program for myself.  Two months of the first half of the program, and two months of the second.  The reason I have modified this and decided to Double the Insanity is due to the fact that reviewers said they could hardly keep up with the first half, and the second was nearly impossible for them.  So I figured I could actually get comfortable with the first one and not be a flailing idiot the whole time, then move to the second half.  The second reason why I am going to modify this system is for some consistency.  If I get it in my head that I am only doing this for 60 days….

What happens after 60 days?

You go back to couching it and decide that was good, you murdered yourself for no reason and now you can get fat?  I don’t get it.

This will help me justify it and put it into a longer-term perspective.  Or, hate the next four months of my life.  I’m not entirely sure which!  But I will let you know.

Can I get a Rant Bump?

Fat Rant Fist Bump

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...

No Trackbacks.