I hate Yoga. I don’t want to hate yoga, but I do. It’s one of those things that I wish I liked, and I keep trying to like, but every time I’ve gone with my Mom, or a friend—no matter what gym or what instructor I’ve had, I HATE IT! Here is a typical scenario:
I am told encouragingly by the instructor to contort my body into some unnatural shape and I’m craning my neck to see what the hell she’s doing because I don’t know the pose by name like all the other people. I look and think, “How the hell is she doing THAT!?!”
Then I try to put my body like hers and I look down and have to stop myself from laughing because my attempt looks Nothing Like Hers. Then, I try to refocus and I hear her say something like, “Now, hold that pose. Go deeper into it. Notice your breathing.”
Meanwhile, I’m precariously balanced on one foot that is shaking. My calf muscle is twitching, and my arm that is nervously flailing around in the air and I grimace to myself, “How can I fucking concentrate on my breathing, I’m going to FALL OVER!”
The perfectly balanced people must be looking at me with compassion for the Noob (which I hate), but the thing that I like the least is that all of the poses HURT. Like, REALLY Hurt. I know that it is a workout, but still, it BUUURNS. And then you have to stay stuck that way forever. I hate it.
Before I left California (still willing myself to like yoga) I decided to try HOT Yoga. I walked up to meet my friend who swears by yoga and I looked menacingly at the words on the glass, ‘H O T’ painted all fire and wondered WTF I was doing there. Don’t I hate Yoga?
I went into class, or rather, the pit of Fire and Doom, and immediately started gasping for air. It felt like inhaling fire. So there I am inhaling fire and hating my life, holding another shaky pose with the holier-than- thou instructor looking perfectly muscular, balanced and skinny rattling off unnecessary phrases like, “Ok good, now go Deeper into the stretch. Doesn’t that feel GOOOD?”
I’m convinced she’s mocking me by her invincible flexibility. “What is she made of, bendy rubber?” I’m seriously sliding in my own sweat and thinking I want to kill my friend for making me go to bendy hot hell.
After class, my friend looked at me with excitement, hoping she’d converted me over to the Yoga Lover’s Club and asked me,
“How did you like it?”
“I HATED IT,” I answered, immediately feeling guilty from the look of disappointment on her face. I’ve seen that from other Yoga converts before, so I tried to brush it off.
“Sorry,” I pleaded. “It’s just not my thing. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
During dinner, she had me convinced that Yoga has changed her life and how good it feels and that it is just the first part that hurts. And then you get all perfect and bendy just like everybody else in the class. She was so Happy when she talked about it, I wished I could be that way about it.
“Just come to one more class, OK?”
“Alright,” I said reluctantly, immediately wishing I hadn’t. I HATE YOGA! What was I even thinking?!?!
It took me forever to make it to that second class, but it hung over me like a guilty cloud. Why on earth had I agreed to go to sweaty bendy hell instead of just agreeing to meet for a meal or something sensible?
Here is how that class went: Horrible. Every toxin in my whole body must’ve decided to come out that day, all at once because I was like a shaking drug addict or something. I couldn’t get it together. Even the easy poses were fucking nightmares and as I failed around dripping sweat and glanced at the other freaks that loved this, I hated them all. *Especially* the eighty year old man that decided to wear Speedos and showed all his furry bits to me.
The instructor was nice enough to remember my name, and even this turned out to be bad. She kept saying things to me like,
“Ok, Brooke, can you go a bit deeper into that pose?”
The answer was always NO. But I could at least keep it in my head. Maybe it was the heat, though because at the second time she asked me, it became slightly audible.
And then, every time after she asked (which seemed to be every frickin’ pose) I started saying it for real until finally it was loud, “NOOOOOOOOO!”
Everyone turned to look. She finally stopped asking me.
I walked out of there a shaky, sweaty, miserable mess wishing to god that I could keep my inside voice to myself.
I’ve never done Yoga since. And I still hate it.
Twitter Updates
29 May 2010 at 8:23 am
Hi Brooke, can totally empathise. I’m not a fan of yoga just as much as I’m not a fan of the language you’ve chosen to use. You’re a good writer and I’ve appreciated your content for a long time but surely you’ve capable of using a better part of speech then the f*bomb. Once = emphasis. More = Poor writing. You’re better than that. So good in fact, I’m sure you ought to try pilates. Joke. You’ll hate that too.
29 May 2010 at 6:06 pm
Hi Caron, the intent was to be humorous, and not to offend. Sorry if it had that affect on you
29 May 2010 at 6:47 pm
Bella, I’m not offended. I’m Australian, I know you know how much we swear! I just think that excessive use of profanity in writing isn’t the mark of quality. Humour can be portrayed without dropping your standards.
Let’s hypothesise that you’ve written a book that you’d like published, your potential agents review your work and see this, they get turned off you because you’ve demonstrated an inability to use appropriate online language etiquette and therefore do not uphold a professional standard. Everything you write is a potential client or business associate and represents the person you are. It sucks but the very nature of professionalism means you are thereby governed by others opinions and must curtail certain aspects of yourself to suit what is appropriate.
I may not have been offended but whose to say that one of your other readers is and won’t tell you, they’ll just not return. Worse, they’re an agent who’ll not sign you. I, for one, am sticking round.
29 May 2010 at 7:27 pm
Caron- lol. Yes, I do remember some course language when I lived in Australia!! Thanks for the clarification and your comments. Glad you’re sticking around
I can only dream that some agents would be reading my stuff. That’s a nice thought to ponder…
30 May 2010 at 5:33 pm
Hilarious. My buddy is trying to convince me to go do hot yoga at 6AM with him saying how it’ll feel good and it’s a great workout. I’m thinking that I’m going to have a similar experience as you! ha
31 May 2010 at 3:08 am
Hi Brooke, I totally agree. Its the smae problem i have meditating trying to doit whilst relaing and not thinking about doint it
Lol
Nice blog and some very intresting stuff
regards
Steve
(trying to sleep less and write more blogs like cloudnomadic.com)
31 May 2010 at 6:20 am
Scott- HA! Six a.m.?!? That is brutal! You should go just to tell me how it is!! I could always be wrong!! Thanks for the comment
Steve – Cool, I’ll check out your link! Yes, I’m still awful at meditating, too. I’ve found that I can relax when I lie down, and then I fall asleep!! No real parting of the clouds or Buddha’s booming voice there… lol. Mostly with things, I find I do them better if there is some kind of action involved. Though, I must admit that I’ve gotten better about slowing down since I moved to Thailand. You kind of don’t have a choice with that here!! Cheers and thanks for your comment!
1 June 2010 at 3:04 pm
Hi Brooke,
Very funny and effectively communicated. Your personality shines through the piece.
The fact that your body is screaming at you is the proof that Yoga is NOT for you. We are all different. I bet those pretzel babes can’t even come close to rock climbing like you do. Next time someone invites you to Yoga, tell them you’ll go if they went rock climbing with you FIRST.
As for the agents, the right one will find you for the right audience. An audience that doesn’t give a shit about the “shoulds” of the writing etiquette. An audience that admires your honesty and genuine self. If Discovery Channel can find you, anything is possible, right?
Oh, as far as the parting of the clouds is concerned, it is easier than you think. I didn’t think it was possible either, but all I wanted was a little sunshine around the waterfall I was visiting. I was amazed when the clouds came rolling back in when I was ready to leave.
1 June 2010 at 6:26 pm
HAHAHA I may have just fell in love with you with this post–so timely. Just recently, I (foolishly) signed up for a month of Bikram hot yoga, thinking I’d be all detoxified and feeling just oh-so-spectacular..with the Bikram “glow!”
Ohh no no no no no and NO.
What torture that is! I, too, got insanely nauseous and couldn’t even perform something as simple as doing a backbend on my knees without thinking I was going to hurl all over the place.
And yet, I always feel guilty that I don’t like yoga. It seems like such a healthy, wholesome thing to be into, and I just hate it.
So, from one hater to another – Namaste or some shit. :p
2 June 2010 at 6:04 pm
Rasheed – thanks for the props! It was fun to write a bit of humor and I’m going to be adding a bit more of that to my blog (and life!)
I really like your story about the parting clouds, is rather indicative of life… I laughed out loud thinking, “I bet that’s what happens when we die!” Because my head is pretty much always saying something like “all I wanted was a little sunshine….” and then maybe the universal joke is that we only get it when we leave. Cosmic Humor. Bastards! haha.
Ash – Thanks, chick! Good to know there is another ‘really don’t want to hate it, but really do’ person out there. Part of me really Still wants to like it, but I can’t!!! Maybe we should start a support group called Guilty Yoga Haters. I would so attend. And bring chocolate!!
17 June 2010 at 8:59 am
Hm…
Look, I realize that everyone’s different, maybe yoga just isn’t for you, etc., but still…maybe you should calm down a little.
For one thing, be aware that the yoga instructor is (by definition) much better at yoga than the beginners (i.e. you and me). So when the instructor does something that you can’t, don’t freak out about it. Just do the best you can.
“But it HURTS!”. Ok, fine. Do less than whatever you’re currently doing. Do less and less till you reach the point where it’s still a stretch, but it’s not actually painful. No doubt that this pose will look mild compared to what everyone else is doing, but that’s *ok*, you’re a *beginner*.
If the instructor asks you to stretch further, and you can’t, just say “No.” You don’t have to get embarrassed or angry or dramatic about it (i.e. “NOOOOOOOOO!”). Just calm down and do what you can.
28 June 2010 at 11:49 pm
Hi Sonicsuns – yes, my lesson on this one is that we don’t have to be good at everything. Sometimes, it’s worth accepting that and moving on. My hope was to show this in a comical way. Cheers.