One question I absolutely want you to ask yourself is this:

Is Faster Better?

Carl Honore, author of the international bestseller In Praise of SLOW; How a Worldwide movement is Challenging the Cult of Speed ascertains,

“If we are ever going to slow down, we must understand why we accelerated in the first place.”

Historically speaking, each new wave revolution of technology has come with one promise:  this will make your work faster, so you can have more time off. From past presidents to TV commercials, speed offers the payoff of more pleasure and increased leisure time.  But, for most of us, the addiction to speed has not paid off. Instead of achieving more pleasure, we are simply feeling more pressure.  We feel pressure to produce, to keep up, to achieve at a super-human rate, and regardless of the latest trends in technology, we are not seeing the payoff.

Life In The Fast Lane

In fact, Americans are working harder than ever.  In recent surveys, the average Western Worker has dramatically increased their hours over the last thirty years.

The double edged sword of technology is this: while new technology is becoming faster and more affordable, we are becoming more accessible, and the ability to work all hours of the day is increasingly easier.  Where most folks used to go and clock in and out of the office, now we are carrying the office around with us in our PDA’s and laptops.  Scarily, the line between work time and play time is fading fast.

Fast as a Lifestyle Choice

When we move at record breaking speeds, someone else is always in our way.  People become an irritating nuisance and are simply just slowing us down.  Busy people are always preoccupied with “What’s Next” and rarely have time to sit and focus, or have a relaxed conversation.  They might be there in person, but they are forever checking off their mental To Do list in their head and fidgeting with their PDA or cell phone.  As I was reading Honore’s book on becoming slow, two profound phrases popped into my head:

1. Fast people aren’t happy.
2. Busy people are tired.

With priding ourselves on getting everything done at warp speed, and busying ourselves from a.m. to p.m., we have become a society of unhappy and tired people.  Oh. My. God.  This brings me back to Honore’s original question… Why the accelerated pace, in the first place?

Quality of Life

The original idea, in and of itself, makes sense.  If we speed up processes (products, goods, technology, convenience items), we will have more time to ultimately improve our quality of life and have more time to enjoy them.  But here’s where we went Horribly Wrong:  We didn’t just speed up the processes, we sped up our WHOLE  LIVES. And, with anything, when a process is accelerated, the quality drops.  Not convinced?  Here are some examples to get your thinker thinking:

Food: processed food might be fast, but it is pumped full of salt, fat, and sugar to give it any flavor at all.  In essence, the sacrifice is less nutrition, and more calories, which lead to health issues and an early grave.

Sleep: Nowadays, people are getting less sleep.  With continued stress to perform more, and increased anxiety about work and deadlines, many people actually Cannot Sleep.  Insomnia issues are clearly related to stress, and the less we get, the more burnt out we will actually become.

Sex: Sorry folks, but if any of us are being realistic, a quickie doesn’t cut it.  Many relationships are failing simply because there is not enough time or energy left in the day to be intimate, or get it on.  Viagra?  Need I say more?

Safety: Yes, everything is moving faster, with that, more fatalities are happening.  When we don’t pay attention to what we are doing, we have accidents.

Vacations: If people are even taking them (most aren’t) it is the “let’s cram everything we can see in one or two weeks overseas”.  This leads to what I would like to call Museum-ittus.  You become a walking tour zombie, haunted by images of paintings in the night, and loathing the next ticket line or form of public transport.  Don’t even get me started on cobblestone and strollers.

Relationships: A fast and furious rush through the milestones of life isn’t what I call romantic.  And navigating through stranger’s photos or getting “Hello Sexy” IM’s on facebook is creepy.  What ever happened to good old fashioned romance?

Personal Development: We want overnight enlightenment, and will pay buckets to get it.  The bestselling books aren’t the ones that walk us through slowly, they are the “Tell me how to do everything quickly NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!”  And, yes, they sell–but, no, they don’t work; because change is a slow and deliberate process.

The Slow Movement

We are not stupid.  We are starting to realize that this way of life isn’t cutting it.  This Mayhem Madness is not the Path to Enlightenment, and surely isn’t making us happy at the end of the day.  For this reason, many people are simply opting out. They are not putting on tie-dyed shirts and starting communes, and they are not sluggishly lying about in a fantasy world; they are simply redefining what is important to them, taking the time to slow down, and doing more of it.  My philosophy, exactly.

This book was a real eye-opener for me.  Not just finding out that people are sick of the game, but realizing that there is an Actual Movement of people that have sprung up all over the world that are collectively making a difference in their area of choice.  I’ll be sharing some of those links below for you to check out, but my main takeaway from the book is this:

The  idea of Time Management is not to go faster so you can cram more stuff in your day.  It is to be smart about your processes so you can increase the time you spend in meaningful activities, thereby improving the overall quality of your life.

Slow Resources:

More info on Slow:  The Slow Movement wiki-style

I loved this one, “The International Institute of Not Doing Much“

A gizillion Slow Resource Links from SlowPlanet.com:

http://www.slowplanet.com/blog/slow-links/

and, click here to buy In Praise of Slow.  It’s about $1.50 for a used copy and WELL worth your while.

Questions??  Comments??  What could you do more slowly?

This sent me on a questioning journey and I’ve realized some interesting cultural things.  First of all, us westerners are obsessed “figuring it all out”.  Until I changed cultures, I thought this was normal.  But having lived abroad for almost a year and a half, I’m learning that it is just western cultures that stress themselves out about this.  For some reason, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to try to figure our whole life out and the question I’m posing here today is this…

WHY?

Why do we have the need to Figure It All Out?

Is it making us HAPPY?  Is it making us RELAXED? Is it making us REAL? 

After spending much time questioning this in my own head and my own life, I have realized that the answer is:  NO!!

The pressure to have our “act together” is making us Unhappy, Stressed-Out, and Fake.  But, here is the problem…. Everybody’s doing it!!  This blog is just a little wake-up call for us to be a little more honest with each other, and a little more honest with ourselves.

The Biggest Secret in the World

OK, brace yourself!  I’m going to let you in on the biggest secret in the world.  But first, some dramatic build up…

Most of us feel the need to self-promote, showcase our abilities, and act as if we have got everything all figured out.  Looking back, I think this was the most stressful part of being an American.  Almost everyone there was portraying an image that they had their shit together, and knew what they were doing.  When I started my consulting practice, I was TERRIFIED that I would not know all of the answers, be able to help people properly, or that I would make mistakes.

It wasn’t until I started consulting with people that I realized The Biggest Secret In The World.  Each business owner would reluctantly tell me after some amount of time, and almost in a whisper of desperation,

“I have absolutely NO Idea what I’m doing!”

And after working in the field of transformational change for three years now, I can honestly answer the same way I always have,

“It’s OK, nobody does.”

Nobody.  It’s True!  So relax, because…

Nobody Has it “All Figured Out”

I think much of the problem and stress that comes from our “Civilized Society” stems from people pretending to have it all figured out.  After all, if everyone around you is playing the “I have it all figured out” game, you naturally assume that you need to do the same. 

The fantasy becomes a reality when suddenly we actually believe that everyone has their life sorted, and we become anxious, nervous, and depressed trying to play catch up and figure it out too.  This obsession spirals out of control by then mixing our own personal identity with societies’ goals and eventually we realize we can’t do it all.

All we can do is to help people with what we do know, and figure out the rest as we go along.

Not that we can’t have our own personal dream…. In fact, it is just the opposite.  We cannot realize our own personal dream if we are trying to look perfect by everyone else’s standards.  We can only find our true self, and our true happiness once we abandon the idea of looking perfect, or acting like we have it all figured out.

Just Figure Out Yourself

Once we understand this, and stop playing by everyone else’s rules, we can begin to focus on our own individual needs and dreams.  We can focus on what we want specifically from life, and what skills and gifts we want to bring to the party.  The game changes as we realize that other people’s opinions matter less and less, and we begin to put our own happiness at the forefront of our lives.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t have it all figured out!!  My wants, needs, and desires have changed over the years, but what I can say is that I have sorted out how to align my life with the lifestyle of my dreams.  When my wants or needs change, I adapt my plan and behaviors.  I’ve accepted that this is going to be an ongoing process, and that I will never be done, finished, or perfect.  The best that I can hope for at any given moment is to be real.

Comments?  Questions?  Are you stressing yourself out by trying to look perfect or figure everything out??

“The cause of any and all stress in my life has largely been due to the belief that I was somehow responsible for other people or things outside of my control.”

Let’s face it: this world can be scary, unpredictable, and changes ALL THE TIME. This is why we have learned that “The only constant IS CHANGE”. So, living in a world of constant change and unending variables leads us to wanting to create a protected and predictable place to live. We find ourselves wanting to gain control of our situations and thereby make our environment safe. While this is a natural tendency, control can (and does) work against us. It affects our business, our relationships, but most importantly our stress level.

When we attempt to control (things, situations, or people), we begin to take ownership for the results. With ownership comes responsibility in which we turn into personal responsibility. By assuming personal responsibility, we take on the role of ownership; and if you own it, you must have to fix it. Our culture and society is one based on having a high level of personal responsibility for the things in our lives and we assume it is our duty to manage every aspect of our lives perfectly at all times. The result: massive stress.

Control -> Ownership -> Personal Responsibility -> The Need to Fix = STRESS

The Stress Relief that I am here to offer you is this concept:

“If you don’t OWN it, you don’t have to FIX it.”

The reality is that many things are outside of our control. For this reason, the only real responsibility we have is our reaction to what is happening around us. I discuss this quite frequently with my clients in the “Behavior” part of my program. If we have been conditioned to ‘Find Fault and Fix’ our whole lives, guess what? We are bound for unhappiness! We will never be satisfied with how things are, how people are, or where we are in our lives.

Many of us are so conditioned to ‘Find Fault and Fix’ other people because it gives us the excuse of not focusing on ourselves. We can easily waste energy and time analyzing and gossiping about the lives of others when we would be better served focusing on our own.

However, you may have already concluded that we also have a tendency to play the ‘Find Fault and Fix’ role in our own lives. I believe at a moderate level, this has been engrained in our personalities to move us towards evolution. However, as a society, we have taken it to the extreme resulting in the “Nothing Is Ever Good Enough” feeling. Have you ever felt this way? Do you think that you are good enough? Right now, without changing anything, do you feel good enough? Are you deserving? Do you feel worthy of success?

Many of us are stuck on the treadmill of “After I do/ achieve/ obtain __________, then I will be worthy. But it is that feeling that is keeping you from success, from happiness, from achieving your best life now. We need to recognize this pattern and take heed! Pay attention to the fact that we are trying to fix something that isn’t broken. We are much further today then we were yesterday. Stop for a moment and give yourself credit for that. You are evolving, and you are also right where you need to be.

By realizing that most of the stress that we put upon ourselves is imagined, we begin our journey to personal freedom. I love the title of a book I recently picked up entitled, “Relax, You’re Already Perfect”.

If we can give ourselves the gift of letting go, we can learn to relax. As stress goes down, we are exceedingly more creative, productive, and enthusiastic about life. This also pertains to our success at work and in relationships. If we can give others the gift of accepting them for who they are, right now, we let them relax. People tend to be more inclined to make change and share their gifts in a relaxed environment. The continual need to intervene in other’s lives is a form of caring, but it can also be seen as a form of control. I have had to learn this one the hard way—which is why I’m sharing this with you now.

Take a moment to reflect on your life and relationships and ask yourself the following questions:

Do I react emotionally when something doesn’t go ‘as planned’?

Do people often fail to meet my expectations?

Have I ever let myself be satisfied with my life- just because?

Does this pressure stress me out?

Do I have extremely high expectations for myself?

“Mai Pen Rai” is elusive in its meaning and description and can be understood to mean any of the following: it’s OK, it doesn’t matter, no worries, or it is what it is. This gentle acceptance of life that the Thais emit has made for a country that attracts travelers from around the world. Thailand is known as “The Kingdom” and “The Land of Smiles” and the signs of happiness are everywhere here. I had forgotten what it was like to see people so genuinely relaxed and happy. I hear people whistling, singing, and merrily humming to themselves as they go about their day. Having a tonal language, the words are literally sung here, as well. People in Thailand are not just happy individually, they do something that many western cultures have forgotten, they share. Meals are shared, work is done in groups, and there is comradery instead of competition.

When something is out of stock, or has stopped working, it is “finished”. Your hamburger might be as finished as your internet service, and there is no telling when or why. The Thais do not trouble themselves with the explanation or trying to make unknown guesses of remedying the situation into the unknown future. Initially, I was annoyed by this, but then I came to appreciate the brilliance of the statement. When flashed a smile and told, “finished”, I have no unrealistic expectations to put in place. I no longer have to go through the mental crisis of trying to figure something out that I do not have the answers to. I can just accept it and relax.

Relaxation is built into the Thai society. Restaurants and resorts have names like The Easy Room, Come Sea; Let’s Relax, and you will frequently see people sleeping on the job. The streets are dotted with signs for massage and reflexology and posters remind you to “Enjoy Unlimited in Your Life“. Even my phone texts me messages from Mr. Happy and reminds me emphatically when I refill my calling card, “Make sure every day is HAPPY and don’t forget to bring your HAPPINESS with you Everywhere!”

Westerners that have made Thailand their home all have the same story: “I was tired of the grind, and the stress.” After being here for just over two months now, I am finally starting to unwind from all the years of stress. I don’t even think I realized the amount of constant pressure I was holding onto until I got away. I can now see it in my friends. All of my friends and colleagues first response to a ‘How are you’ in an email or IM responded with “BUSY”. I would hear only of how busy they were, or how much work they had to do. And even though I am no longer there, I have still been feeling the pressure of needing to produce at lightning speed. My mind has a running audio loop of “I need to get my website updated; I still haven’t posted that blog; I need to figure out my internet”.

I also want to see the country at lightening speed. My brain has yet to register the fact that I am living here. I still have the mentality of a speed traveler, trying to see the whole country in couple of weeks. Operating on overdrive and having the mentality of constantly trying to produce things runs deep in my psyche. But, really, what good does it do?
After being exposed to the “Mai Pen Rai” society, I have learned that the bulk of these items circling in my head really don’t need to happen right now. It is an unnecessary stress built up from years of trying to “push through life.” I think because many of us don’t enjoy a task, or have so many tasks to do, we believe, “If I could just get this thing done, then I would be able to _____ (insert: relax, enjoy, have the life I’ve always wanted). And just because everyone else around us is playing the same game, we choose to participate. But, the reality is, this is simply a choice.

I’m convinced at this point that the Thai culture was blessed by their “Mai Pen Rai” attitude. They are relaxed enough to take a midday nap. They are smiling when you look at them because they aren’t thinking of the eighty-million other places they ‘need’ to be. They are working together. They are enjoying their days, as well as their moments. The culture, in essence, is present.

So when you find yourself racing around, trying to swim upstream, or generally trying to fight the way of the world, remember the phrase, “Mai Pen Rai”, and just let yourself be “finished’.