Living in Thailand is funny. Pretty much every day I am confronted by something weird, unpredictable, and mind-blowing. To say that I have gotten used to the oddities is an understatement, because at this point of my life, I just expect things to be a bit strange. In fact, the one thing I have recognized is this: I will never have it all figured out.
This sent me on a questioning journey and I’ve realized some interesting cultural things. First of all, us westerners are obsessed “figuring it all out”. Until I changed cultures, I thought this was normal. But having lived abroad for almost a year and a half, I’m learning that it is just western cultures that stress themselves out about this. For some reason, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to try to figure our whole life out and the question I’m posing here today is this…
WHY?
Why do we have the need to Figure It All Out?
Is it making us HAPPY? Is it making us RELAXED? Is it making us REAL?
After spending much time questioning this in my own head and my own life, I have realized that the answer is: NO!!
The pressure to have our “act together” is making us Unhappy, Stressed-Out, and Fake. But, here is the problem…. Everybody’s doing it!! This blog is just a little wake-up call for us to be a little more honest with each other, and a little more honest with ourselves.
The Biggest Secret in the World
OK, brace yourself! I’m going to let you in on the biggest secret in the world. But first, some dramatic build up…
Most of us feel the need to self-promote, showcase our abilities, and act as if we have got everything all figured out. Looking back, I think this was the most stressful part of being an American. Almost everyone there was portraying an image that they had their shit together, and knew what they were doing. When I started my consulting practice, I was TERRIFIED that I would not know all of the answers, be able to help people properly, or that I would make mistakes.
It wasn’t until I started consulting with people that I realized The Biggest Secret In The World. Each business owner would reluctantly tell me after some amount of time, and almost in a whisper of desperation,
“I have absolutely NO Idea what I’m doing!”
And after working in the field of transformational change for three years now, I can honestly answer the same way I always have,
“It’s OK, nobody does.”
Nobody. It’s True! So relax, because…
Nobody Has it “All Figured Out”
I think much of the problem and stress that comes from our “Civilized Society” stems from people pretending to have it all figured out. After all, if everyone around you is playing the “I have it all figured out” game, you naturally assume that you need to do the same.
The fantasy becomes a reality when suddenly we actually believe that everyone has their life sorted, and we become anxious, nervous, and depressed trying to play catch up and figure it out too. This obsession spirals out of control by then mixing our own personal identity with societies’ goals and eventually we realize we can’t do it all.
All we can do is to help people with what we do know, and figure out the rest as we go along.
Not that we can’t have our own personal dream…. In fact, it is just the opposite. We cannot realize our own personal dream if we are trying to look perfect by everyone else’s standards. We can only find our true self, and our true happiness once we abandon the idea of looking perfect, or acting like we have it all figured out.
Just Figure Out Yourself
Once we understand this, and stop playing by everyone else’s rules, we can begin to focus on our own individual needs and dreams. We can focus on what we want specifically from life, and what skills and gifts we want to bring to the party. The game changes as we realize that other people’s opinions matter less and less, and we begin to put our own happiness at the forefront of our lives.
I will be the first to admit that I don’t have it all figured out!! My wants, needs, and desires have changed over the years, but what I can say is that I have sorted out how to align my life with the lifestyle of my dreams. When my wants or needs change, I adapt my plan and behaviors. I’ve accepted that this is going to be an ongoing process, and that I will never be done, finished, or perfect. The best that I can hope for at any given moment is to be real.
Comments? Questions? Are you stressing yourself out by trying to look perfect or figure everything out??
Twitter Updates
14 May 2010 at 3:54 am
Bingo!!
I am going through the same realization as we speak.
I have started writing about this at my new blog (which I haven’t officially launched yet, but you can read it by clicking on my name). I have dedicated myself and my work to Living with Delight and helping others do the same.
Rasheed
16 May 2010 at 5:38 pm
Brooke
Ah yes, the energy expended maintaining pretence is costly. I’ve been forced (or chosen to, in my better moments) to drop many self created masks and roles.
Nowadays, I try to live with these three things in mind:
• Turn up
• Pay attention
• Be grateful
Consciously attending to these things, as often as I remember, seems to help clean things up and keep it real.
Best,
Jeff
19 May 2010 at 12:14 am
This is exactly the kind of post I needed to read today. Thanks for it. I have been so caught up with figuring everything out I almost feel like I’ve lost touch with myself.
I’m living in Beijing, China right now so I COMPLETELY understand the oddities of living abroad. This is not an easy city or country to live in and there are challenges everyday to it. But, lately I’ve been so stuck on trying to figure things out I’ve stopped enjoying the adventure.
I also like what you said about “aligning your life to the lifestyle of your dreams”. This is something I think a lot of people, including myself currently, have trouble doing. I like the way you put it though.
Best,
Lauren
21 May 2010 at 7:10 am
Rasheed – I love the new blog!! I spent a bunch of time on there yesterday and read nearly every article. Congratulations :0) Looking forward to reading more Delightful stuff!
Jef – Yes, one of my epiphanies awhile ago was something I’ve since turned into a mantra: Just Show Up. You can’t do much more than that, and once you are there, you’ll know what to do. It is so easy to get caught up in all the “What If’s” and I’m trying to get rid of the habit of forever over-thinking everything! (really, one day it will go away!!) So for now that is how I try to look at it. Just show up!
Lauren – YAY! I love hearing that! Sometimes it seems that posts just go out to cyberspace and it is wonderful to hear when they are needed! How do you like China? It is on my list of places to live and I might try to go there in October (still waiting to see what happens with the whole Bangkok thing here in Thailand, hopefully a civil war won’t break out!) Thanks for the kind words and look for you online!
2 June 2010 at 4:36 pm
Cheers to your article!! I love it! And it’s a great message for everyone to listen to. I’m a HUGE fan of Deepak Chopra and read his little book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” regularly. One of my favorite “Laws” is #6, The Law of Detachment where he talks about our “search for security and certainty is actually an attachment to the KNOWN” and what is the “known”? Our past!! So without uncertainty and the UNknown in our lives, we are “just the stale repetition of outworn memories” and who wants that??? Instead, embrace the moments in our lives when things are the most uncertain, because that is truly when anything is possible, and we are wide open to receive what the Universe has to offer… Thank you!!
2 June 2010 at 6:21 pm
Marie!! Thanks for writing and I love the Deepak quote, especially your take on loving life ‘when things are the most uncertain’. I’m still trying to reel that one in. My initial reaction is to throw in the towel and go somewhere else to ‘make it happen’, but I’m uncomfortably forcing myself through that one and staying on here.
There’s always a constant battle going on in my head though of going back home (where things are unpredictable but at least Known) or living abroad (where things are unpredictable AND Unknown). I keep choosing the latter even though sometimes it shatters my nerves!! I think what keeps me going is that Known doesn’t always equal Happy. And that’s what I am working towards– trying to be happy regardless of what is known or unknown. :0)
23 June 2010 at 9:45 am
Haha… one of the things that most commonly leaves my mouth is ‘I have no idea what I’m doing…’ I don’t usually care, either.
Nice post!
28 June 2010 at 11:51 pm
Hi Kirsty – great photo! And, yes, I agree. I feel like I need to wear that phrase as a bumper sticker. I’d like to not care, too. How do you do that one?